I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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