i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
