I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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