I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize