I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
