come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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