When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
