I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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