my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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