shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
