Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
