The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
