this beer tastes like vomit already
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
