I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
