Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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