ugly people sure do ruin things
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
