my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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