Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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