no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
