you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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