And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
