Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We're too hungover to prance.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
