it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
