last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
