Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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