It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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