I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
