The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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