just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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