All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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