my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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