his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
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Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
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Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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