this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
