my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
