Just fell off a train. Bad.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
