my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
