You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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