I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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