My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
