I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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