I cannot find my penis.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
