My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
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He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
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You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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