Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
