I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
