my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
