Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
