When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My bed smells like the plague
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
