so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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