look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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