Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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