this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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