Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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