I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
