I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
