I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
