I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
