He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
