Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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